Auckland Council opens up new campsites

There has been a lot of concern in recent years about the loss of public camping grounds due to the soaring price of coastal property. It is therefore great to see that Mayor Len Brown is taking matters in hand and has established a new public camping ground in the heart of Auckland City.

The generous Auckland ratepayers are providing this at no charge. Car parking , movie theaters , cafes and drug dealers are all on site. Onsite activities include : how to make and test petrol bombs while avoiding prosecution, how to sink your protest ship and blame it on the Japanese , how to attempt murder by dropping large bags of flour onto rugby fields during a test , and our foreign language class where we explore the correct way to pronounce "w*i*e mother f*ck*r".


A "meaningless double talk" seminar is particularly popular:


"Carson: This is not about grandstanding, it is not about anything other than trying to strive for a real democracy. Because right now 99 per cent of the population do not have a voice in our parliament. We have to . . . scream and yell just to get heard . . . If I was a mining company, all I’d have to do is hire a giant lobby group and use my extraordinary wealth to bend the ears of politicians. Corporate greed exists, which means our democracy is not equitable.


Doyle: No, Nick, that’s just silly. We live in a model Western democracy.

Faine: Nick, if you’re going to be there until the excesses of capitalism are reined in you’re going to be there for a very, very long time . . .

Doyle: Their point is they want to stay there forever and that’s not going to happen.

Carson: We’re not trying to state what our point is. Because we don’t have a point." - Herald Sun

For the artistically inclined there is a self directed program of art classes with a copious selection of walls to tag. Aerosol paints can be purchased at Placemakers Cook St and for those seeking chemical inspiration, plastic bags are available from the Star Mart.

If you need extra holiday cash there is a WINZ office just up the road or a five minute walk provides access to casual holiday work in a range of brothels or strip clubs. 

If you need a break from the family,  catch the free Inner Link up to the 24 / 7 bar where you can get intoxicated anytime day or night and enjoy the scintillating conversation with your fellow travelers smoking out the front.

Here is the council customer service line. Operators are standing by for your bookings :

"Call Us

If you want to speak directly to one of our people to answer your question, provide feedback, solve your problem, or direct you to the right place, call us on:

(09) 301 0101

We are ready to help with your enquiries 7 days a week, 24 hours a day."

GIVE A PENGY A CHANCE

Our mates in the VRWC have been joshing with us all day. There have been about 1200 birds killed by the RENA oil slick. Our mates argue that while it seems a lot its not big in the scheme of things. Maybe they are right - they normally are. However we do  think that DOC needs a big thumbs up for co-ordinating the effort to save the pandas of NZ bird world  - The Dotterel. Its a sisyphean task that requires passion and dogged determination in the face of insurmountable odds.

They are funny wee birds that hide on the shore line and put their nests in the silliest of places. The go for bloody miles to find a feed and when the chips are down they will abandon their chicks and its not like they have a big brood - nope they only have a couple  or three at best. 

In essence they wiggled their fluffy arses just enough to make a wee indent in the sand and squeeze out a couple or three bumnuts. But just above the high tide zone is the equivalent of gang riven  Farmers Crescent.  Its hell out there.  All manner of predators  lurk there from skua, stoats and the heavy feet of hairy legged trampers. So what happens if the eggs or chicks get killed? Well the dotterels are persistent - they go and wiggle there wee botties and do it all over again.

So they are as succesful as parents as Sonny Bill Williams would be at trying to maintain a hard on in a locked room with only Helen Clark for company.

We reckon Dotterel  are  winged Pandas because despite the fact that they are deliriously cute, these little feathered moths  that flit almost undetectable on the sandy shore line - need human support to exist. So New Zealand, is  in essence, providing state support for the useless dotterel parents. What do NZ'ers get in return? bugger all as you cant see the wee buggers as they only thing they are much good at is camouflage.  However they would stick out like the balls on a St Bernard against the oil stained sand. 

You see our mates reckon that we have  had a far greater impact on the country's bird population - killing over 40,000 muttonbirds singletoothedly over our lifetime. That is very true. We are of course very old  so its taken nearly half a century to reach that figure. So while we have dispatched a lot of oily birds to eat  - the  RENA's oily slick  hasn't really eaten a lot of birds. 

However, we think that what is really worth saving is the little blue penguin.. The wee pengys never fail to raise a smile either on land or at sea. Gentle wee buggers  - efficient hunters and good mums and dads.  And they apparently taste like crap. 

We like that in a bird.

and what is our favourite Seabird? This one of course-  

The Mollymawk 

There is nothing that comes close to the grace of these birds and their amazing faces. 

They are welcome to come steal my fish anytime. 

THE BITTERNESS OF GALLS

As we were watching the big game last night between NZ and Australia we mused to our Aussie partner, the Rock, that despite the vilification of Quade Cooper, there were many signs that NZ and Australia were finally  understanding that we had more in common than not. 

The mere fact that a kiwi born boy like Quade called Australia home, as do hundreds of thousands of New Zealanders, is a case in point. He is well aware and proud of his kiwi heritage but for him Aussie is home and he wears the Aussie jersey proudly. 

We think that Cooper is an outstanding athlete - he is Sean Maitland's cousin so his sporting lineage goes back aways. 

So despite the loss to the kiwis last night one of the big names in Australia sports writing is calling on  his country to get behind the kiwis in their quest for the cup. 

We agree. The All Blacks French final should see the All Blacks trump the Frogs. And while the world knows the strength of our rivalry with Australia the world may not realise that we have never got over the Gallic bastards coming over here to blow up a boat in our waters. 

RAINBOW WARRIOR REFEREE

Referee Alain Rolland single-handedly sunk the honour of the Rugby World Cup last night. Rolland showed Welsh skipper Sam Warburton a red card following a spear tackle on French wing Vincent Clerc in the 18th minute of the game. The tackle itself did not appear to be carried out with malicious intent. It did not result in any injury to Clerc. And, it was not at the high end of such infringements where a player would be deliberately driven into the ground. Rolland, for a second time in the tournament showed himself to be an officious spoiler with a prejudice in favour of France. The French winger’s reaction was to grovel on the ground, milking the moment with an Oscar winning performance. The act of a cheat. In the France - All Black pool game, Rolland distracted the All Blacks with a little chat on rule interpretation allowing the French to skulk over the try line unopposed. He, clearly, does not understand the spirit of Rugby or any other sport. Rolland’s father is French and he speaks the language fluently. This apparently, made him a good choice of “neutral” ref for the French games. IRB logic defeats me, Wales and belief itself. I don’t recall seeing anything so contemptible since the French Secret Service came here to bomb a peace ship. If any glory can be salvaged from such a display it all goes to Wales who played on valiantly without their young skipper. Of shame there is plenty, for Alain Rolland and his French friends.

Update: There is a Ban Alain Rolland from officiating Rugby ever again!!! facebook page with more than 1500 members already.

STEVE JOBS - CELEBRATING CRAZY

We so totally get this..  

Here’s to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The troublemakers. The round pegs in the square holes. The ones who see things differently. They’re not fond of rules. And they have no respect for the status quo.
You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify or vilify them. About the only thing you can’t do is ignore them. Because they change things. They push the human race forward.
And while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do...
Steve Jobs

The world just got a little darker 

FOR COLIN SLADE - THE FELLA WITH THE BIG JOB

We reckon he will do just fine. 

FARK N HELEN

We set off for the Sunday Markets this morning to stock up on plants for the garden that the Rock had kindly dug over with the rotary Hoe on the back of the tractor.

As we drove down the drive out of our right eye we spied a flash of blue and the whip of a high tail. A pheasant - Could it be the Son of Fark? 

Then we realised that he was not alone - he had a mate- a dowdy plain bird  leading him to  the safety of the wide open paddock.. We have named her Helen

So spring is here and the election is upon us. We look forward to a feasting.