IN THE PRIVACY OF YOUR OWN HOME

Sir Loin thinks that Fat people are easy targets. He is right. No one in their right mind wants to be unhealthy and in the main chubbies are not healthy.

Im chubby. Nuff said.

nThe first few weeks in Christchurch saw long days and quick meal fixes required - the takeaway shop got a fair hammering. It was not helped by the fact that they were the best damned fish and chips we have had in ages. The motel only has a microwave so that limited our options and a girl can only have so many baked beans.

About 6 years ago we went on a health kick - ate good food - backed up by a weekly shame meeting at Weightwatchers and a big Xtrainer. We only ever did about 15 mins of exercise every night but it was at a high resistance so the sweat dripped at pace.

We walked down stairs. We walked everywhere. We drank bugger all.

We lost 2okgs in about 3 months.

Sadly we have put it all back on.

So a stint in Christchurch has given us a great opportunity to shed a bit of lard. So we hired a X Trainer.

We started on Sunday night - its night three. We love it - we can still stay glued to the TV for a bit of mindless stress cleansing and we huff and puff and bounce around. Must say having bog norks necessitates wearing some cast iron corsetry or risk bruised boozies.

For us we view exercise the same way as most people view masturbation.. Something best done in the privacy of your own home.

We have never fiddled with our fiddly bits in public and we wont huff and puff and have our bountiful boozies bounce around in full view either.

Only thing is the X trainer has developed a bit of a squeak so we hope it lasts the distance as its got quite a distance to go.

BRA BURNING

I did a real dumb thing today . Rushed into the Farmers 50% off lingerie sale and grabbed two bras without giving them a trial run. One was an "increase the cleavage number" and the other was a mechanical marvel designed to deal with weighty issues and gravity's foul deeds and "minimise me."Hell, I thought only surgery could do that but I was willing to give it a whirl.

You know you are in trouble and need to lose some weight when the shop girl gives you a bag that would hold a beer fridge, to carry two bras out of the shop.

The Cleavage number first - its white and shocking pink - and considering my advancing years, 50 is creeping up the back stairs, we are now more suited to mauve, beige and the occasional saucy black, it was definitely an impulse buy.

I got home wondering why people had been giving me quizzical looks wandering down Manners Mall - I found out when I bent down to get the key to the door and nearly sent a broken underwire up my left nostril. There was no doubt in my nose that I needed new support.

I stripped off and held the the shocking pink padded titty hammocks aloft and swung them on. I stopped breathing - true! My boobies were pushed so far up they were nuzzling my bruised nostrils. I let down the straps to see if that would help and I swear I heard my titskies sigh. The cleavage was so deep and long that it rivalled the Manawatu gorge.

I took the pinkie pouches off and I swear again that my mammaries did a little jiggle of their own volition in celebration of being free.

I wondered if I could strap it to the new shed and grow plants in it.

So onto the second. I leaned over, as they old bra fitting bitches of my traumatised past taught me and hiffed it on. In a mammary moment I realised why the "minimiser" was on sale. My bountiful breasts rested somewhere between my armpits and my shoulder blades. I tried to swing them into position but nearly knocked myself out. They just schlurped back under my arms so that I looked like I had a footy ball under each wing and a chest as flat as the paddock the game is played on.

I wrestled it off - the cups are too flaccid to provide the support needed for wall planters but I reckon, at a pinch, I can strain the jelly jam through them.

Anyway I am demoralised - $64 ( the price of a bowl of crayfish bisque at Zicos and a lovely bottle of soave ) wasted.

And for the record the picture is not me - silly boys, she is clearly a FF cup.

So if anyone would like the offending 18DD unused pink plant hanger and the jelly jam strainers - email me - I will post em for free.