Herbal Tea

COBWEBS AND CACTUS'S COAT

Last night we saw a tweet from TV3's Rachel Smalley @RachSmalley who is fast becoming a twitter princess.

Anyway she was interested in doing a piece on voluntary celibacy. It made us think of a not very well known social club that operated back in the late 80's early 90's on Stewart Island. It was called the Cobweb club. Numbers fluctuated but there were about a dozen hard core members. Membership was only gained if you had gone a whole year without a shag. What was even funnier is that these women were all good looking sheilas. Funnier because at the time there were over 60 single men on the island.

They were a motley lot.

Anyway we missed out on entry by about 10 days. However, because we were fervent believers in the southern sheilas maxim, that no roots are better than bad roots, we became an associate member.

Anyway to Cactus's coat. Cactus will never be a member of the Cobweb club but she could be an associate member cos her mates have got her to understand now that no roots are better than dud roots.

So our high flying financial diva, Cactus is soon to be off jetting around the world again and she has dragged out one of the great man magnet clothing items - the fur coat. It doesnt have to be real - just fluffy - its a tactile thing. Men like stroking fluff.

And so what does a modern girl wear under a fur coat ? Easy - nothing.

PICTURES PLEASE

This is the silliest story we have seen for ages... Two women, one purdy dress, one bad ass bloke and a bit of booze and lots of lawyers.

Result - fisty cuffs blood and tears.

However everyone in Wellington wants only one thing - to see the dress on both bints.

Let the people decide.

GOLD FROM DAVID JONES LOCKER TOO SHINY FOR BINT

Cactus got it right the other day when she expressed outrage at the payout given to the bint who did the cry baby thing over being " sexually harassed" by the big cheese at Ausssies mega store David Jones.

Kirsty Fraser- Kirk came over all angel eyed , and pledged to give the money to charity.. Apparently she has decided that the $870,000 she got is not enough to share with the needy so the greedy mealy mouthed toadette is pocketing the lot.

While she may have had a smidgen of sympathy going into her court hearing - she has undoubtedly lost any respect now. This venal move has shown that what most worldly women recognised from the get go - she is a spiteful shallow little gold digger with a slit eye on the main chance.

She is going to find it tough to get a job anywhere in Aussie after keeping the loot so hopefully she doesn't look to our green shores for work.

We have met and worked for some complete and utter pricks in our day. Everything from gropers, touchers, and outright harassers, all of a magnitude far greater than anything Fraser Kirk alleged. The David Jones boss made a complete arse of himself and he payed the ultimate price for being a tosser. .

It was not ok for him to use his position to put the hard word on her and David Jones should have had procedures in place to ensure that he was reprimanded.

However, too often over the years we have seen women feigning horror at the advances of some aging octopus but actually enjoying, indeed reveling in the drama of it all. We are after all women and at our base worst we act in as primal a fashion as men.

Now sexual harassment is ugly. Its about power. But you wouldn't walk into a closed room with a heap of hissing cobras just as you should steer clear of any wanker who has a track record of being a boorish arsewipe.

But the wee lovey is obviously not the greatest PR practitioner in the world otherwise she would have used her brief moment of fame to capitalise on her win, sharing it with the needy, spinning the story out for a while and further damaging McInnes and David Jones.

She had a chance to do a Princess Diana. If we were managing her - she would have given half a mill to charity and then launched a career as the heroine of wide eyed vixens everywhere .

But nah. She just wants the Prada bag and matching shoes.

EVEN RIGHT WINGERS TICKLE THEIR FANCY

Hell this woman is just plain odd - She is as conservative as they come on social issues - She is a firm believer in god and playing with others but not yourself.

She led a national campaign against Masturbation! Heres the rub - she has been guilty of tax evasion.

Seems that the sin of lust is worse than the sin of avarice

Its obvious they dont have men that look like this in Delaware..

THE BIG O DANGEROUS TO YOUR HEALTH

This is a way better excuse than a headache.....

A young woman karks it on the fiddle.

JUST DRINKIN AND EATIN ...

The Beaujolais orphans have found a new home.. We are all in heaven. It's little, out of the way ( so the boss will have a bloody hard job finding you, unless you are of course with the boss), a bit smoky, foods better than good and wont break the bank, wine list is great, its warm, stylish and comfy...We have made it ours.

So for all of the out of towners who are missing the " Boj" email us and we will let you know where to go....

We also had occasion to dine at the splendid Foxglove the other nite... We had been invited to the opening but sadly were in the Wairarapa. The guys who own Foxglove also own the Matterhorn and its clear they know what they are doing. They have turned a cold, uninviting, badly run barn of a pub called the Loaded Hog - that was legend for its crap food, into what we think will become a very popular top end restaurant. It is all class and no pretensions.

We had the duck - sticky, salty and delightful moist and melty it was. (gosh that almost sounds rude). We love the decor - a bank of ferns grace the wall at the entrance. The little cosy Window on the Waterfront dining room is fab. It really is a great addition to the Wellington Harbour eateries. We will be back .

We have also heard that the Dockside has undergone a bit of a facelift. We haven't been there for months because we decided that the food was mediocre and didn't match the exorbitant prices. And apparently there has been some sort of change in ownership.

We also note that some of the prices have been reduced.

So we will be off to have a visit soon to see if it has improved.

We are also pleased to report that the Green Parrot food is still pretty damn good. Mind you after a great night of carousing one wonders if it is possible to be a good judge of the quality of the nosh. But the flounder was a stunner - well we think it was.

And the place is always spotless - including the toilets. We like that in a restaurant. Well BustedBlonde did.....

MISTRESSOLOGY

We are starting to feel very sorry for Tiger Woods. Hell he might have been as pious prat  who hasn't lived up to the legend  but he has faced his demons and its time for him to get back to doing what the world wants most from him - good golf.

We are disgusted by the antics of the attention seeking bevy of mistresses who are milking the Tiger phenomenon - for all its worth.


As for Joslyn James  - she wants an apology  - well bless her victoria secret undies. Why does she deserve one?  She seems to think that its because Tiger lied to her. Yip  - he did but she forgets that the relationship was based on a false premise as well. She was living a big fat  lie  one she was fully aware of.

Here are Busted Blondes  rules for mistresses.

• Never forget you are just the mistress.  
• You made the decision to be the mistress - no one forces you to. 
• Being a mistress demands a bit of theatre - that means the situation has its own unreality - so being told that he loves you is just a nice line in the stage production that is the "affair"
• You need to realise you fill a gap  in his life  - but he does not want you  to take over his life. 
• Take all the gifts and trinkets you can get - its all you will end up with in the end.
• He loves the thrill of the naughtiness of it. Most men harbour secret dirty girl fantasies.
• A couple of nights here and there does not constitute mistress status - it means you are just a root - maybe a good root but just a root nonetheless. 
• Staying the night does not indicate love - most men like morning sex - he knows he needs to stay to get it. 
• Flowers jewellery and chocolates  do not constitute love  - you give gifts to those who give good service and it shows you are a nice person  - sort of the international koha.
• Men like cuddles - they do not mean love. Dont confuse affection for love.
• Men want it all - so they wont leave status and respect for a good shag.
• Mistresses do not get respect - they get gratitude.
• If he leaves his wife he wont end up with you  - that will make him feel too  guilty  - he will find another lover who wasn't involved in the deception. 

Final rule of mistressology - it will end in tears sooner or later - relationships on any level based on betrayal and lies are always doomed.




 

MINING BOOM BOOM

We are confident that New Zealand can follow the lead of Australia when it comes to looking at what ancilliary businesses can compliment mining.

Seems as there are some openings in the outbacks

The idea that a mining boom was attracting sex industry entrepreneurs to Alice Springs came as no shock to NT Resources Council chief executive Scott Perkins.


"Well, the mining industry has a long history of supporting local businesses," he said.


"On top of mining, there are many drilling operations."

We think that Great Barrier could see a rise in  a new type of tourism  with the advent of mining there. Maybe the development of a Love Boat business. Staffed with  women who know what men want and are good enough at it to command a high price for their unique services.

And a well appointed Winnebago could provide  love bus services to weary  miners.

Lisa Lewis  heres your chance......

HOW MANY IS TOO MANY

David Farrar seems to have a fascination with our past sex life.

Not sure why - it may have something to do with this little blog.

Now Farrar was reporting on a story in the Herald that says we kiwi gals are the most sexually experienced women in the world.

Its based on frequency - apparently we have about 2o sex partners in a lifetime.

Sexologist Dr Michelle Mars puts the result down to the failings of Kiwi blokes.

"New Zealand men aren't very good at picking up women unless they're really drunk. So what tends to happen is in New Zealand, women are just as likely to ask men to have sex as men are to ask women.

"While a lot of people would read that statistic quite negatively, I think it's quite a positive. It's more of a gender balance in people getting the kind of sex they want."

Bollocks.

We can honestly say that we have surpassed the national average but we were never the seducee that often. And we weren't a push over either - we needed a good poke.

Now here is our theory - we kiwi sheilas have so many partners because it takes that many to find a decent one.

There are a lot of dud roots out there.

And remember that in the 70's and 80's there was bugger all on TV worth watching so sex was a recreational activity - pure and simple.

By the nineties we were all too scared to even kiss much because of AIDs and herpes.

So it would be interesting to see the batting averages for each decade.

They are the sorts of figures that would get the stats meister Farrar really frothy.

Now Kiwi women, we think, are very discerning so the fact that we try 20 before we buy shows we have some class.

And it pretty hard to tell if someone is a lousy shag. Guys that look good enough to eat leave a sour taste after you realise that they feed on their own ego.

Personal referrals don't tend to be the best. Just because your mate and you both love the same movies and shoes does not mean you have the same desires and needs from a bloke.

Size does not matter. Touch does.
And Mr Boring and Dull can end up being the uber lover.

Successful and powerful men have their own unique attraction and while the waves of passion at first can be intense - the tide soon goes out. The self absorbed man is only ever good for the zipless fuck.


And as for that age old question how many is too many?

Too many is when you meet old lovers again and cant remember a damn thing.

You lament the fact that you wasted an hour of your life. And life is too short to waste a minute on crap sex.

Sexual politics is fascinating and has changed considerably in the last few decades. We think we are back to the 70's and 80's type attitudes again.

Is that a good thing? Well all we can say those were the years we were in our prime and we can still remember their names -well at least twenty of them so we reckon that makes us pretty normal.

EXPENSIVE ROUTE

We have it on good authority that a young political advisor has dished out a bit in expensive nose bags for - lets call her - media chick A, whom he wants to shag. Seems he told media chick B that he reckoned a decent nose bag would get media chick A between the sheets. However media chick B told media chick A of the Lothario's plan. Media chick A maybe getting fatter but young politico has yet to get his day in the hay.

Boy is learning an expensive lesson in sexual politics.

EAGER BEAVERS

We refuse to be all that serious in the lead up to Xmas. So this story tickled our fancy - so to speak.

Years ago in another life we taught a bit a sex education to inmates and one of the exercises to warm the class up was to get them to fess up with all the names they knew for genitals amle and female.

Today Stuff has a great article on just that topic..

Heres a few :
then there's foofa, box, pink, one car garage, sperm dumpster, hoo-ha, axe wound, lady bits, china, vulva, blossomful of nectar, muffin, toolbox, velvety love folds, pastrami meat flaps, pin cushion, catcher's mitt, cuckoo's nest, the wound that never heals, bearded clam, beef curtains, tunatown, vertical taco, bajango, catpipe, nozzle trap, bushburger, front wedgie, fanunu, pecker wetter, dirty south.

Anyway we can add a few more from our memory banks, growler, hairy oyster, whistle trap, penis pouch, gunga, hidey hole, tooki on toast, poon.

So who has some more?

FRIDAY ROUND UP

Is someone looking to buy Kiwi Rail? We heard it is so.

Why do Metrolinks conductors, shovel everyone into a few carriages on the trains to the Wairarapa, leaving some empty ones then halfway thru the trip the conductors take turns at sleeping in them ?

Why does Metrolink only employ geriatric narcoleptic sociopaths as conductors?

Hasn't Dockside gone downhill?

Is everyone else proud of our SAS - who are so good at their jobs that they only get the most interesting assignments?

Would an 18kt dildo feel better than a rubbery one? And will the Saying " good as Gold" take on a new meaning?


Is Boris Hampton really an insider?


Who else is hanging out for a feed of whitebait?

PRAWNOGRAPHY

Who would have guessed. Some bugger is studying why prawns dont shag in captivity.
Seems that some prawns are shy. We dont know any shy prawns. And we are very surprised the shy prawns come from Australia. However we are not surprised that an Aussie could watch prawns for two months non stop to see if they are having sex.



and Lambcut adds :

Regarding strange and seemingly useless pieces of research, Lambcut has heard of a PhD entitled "The Theory of Lengthwise Rolling", undoubtedly intended to contribute original research to the greater body of human knowledge.

Perhaps the two pieces of research could be combined to encourage the shy prawns to indulge in some lengthwise rolling.

OF FARTS AND FONDNESS

Its bloody true. A story in the Independent in the UK says that research indicated the smell of rotten eggs makes men horny.

Now BB has been in the sack with a few blokes who have delighted in the practice known as The Dutch Oven. Thats when they fart then trap you under the sheets. Its a turn off but not for them it appears. It turns them on. Now we know why many many blokes have a farting preoccupation.

So we reckon that if you are single and standing in a bar and the cute man next to you lets one rip - you know you're in.

What we want to know is if we let one rip will that turn them on. ?

COME ON JOHN WE NEED SOME FOREPLAY

Has anyone else noticed the similarity between sex and the economic stimulus packages touted by world leaders ?
We have and as much as our elderly aunt - (see pic left) thinks that John Key is sexy, we think he is falling short on the stimulus package foreplay. So far the lead up to what National is going to do to excite the economy has been like a a bit of a fumble behind the bike sheds. So John , before we can get stimulated we need a bit of warming up. Time to start talking dirty to us to us big boy or we will lose interest

WE REMAIN MILITANT CARNIVORES

sorry but we are militant carnivores and shaggin veges aint our thing.


Peta are weird and this proves it

NAH THEY JUST THINK THEY DO OKAY.

So a bunch of researchers talks to a heap of drinkers and non drinkers and the drinkers are happier with their sexual performance? What a load of saggy bollocks.

They need to ask the partners of the pissed and unpissed to get a true indication and seriously boys - pissed does not equal better performance ever - at all.

VIRTUALLY ALL WOMEN WOULD FORGO SHAGGING BEFORE SURFING

Yip its true women would rather dance their fingers on a keyboard than a woody. Frankly we can't see why some people find that so hard to understand.