CUDDLING THE PINK CORPSE OF NGATA

Its bloody obvious that Don Brash has jumped the shark by concentrating on Maori issues this election.

The number one issue is the economy and Brash has put just one elongated piece of Perigo waffle out yesterday about inflation. Thats the big brain hit. Or miss. Today he's back on his eurocentric, paternalistic monologue on whats good for Maori. And instead of telling Maori to look forward he has told them to look back.

Maori don't vote ACT, they don't want to stand for ACT and they definitely don't want to be associated with Don Brash.

We reckon a lot more vote National now but thats cos National has frilly pink knickers on these days.

In fact Brash is so hated that Willie Apiata could be #1 on the ACT list and Maori still wouldn't vote ACT. Instead they would just lift their skirts or drop their trous and give Brash a look see at the hairy brown eyeball.

So in the interests of political enlightenment I gave Cactus a call about the Brash's latest stunt. I wanted to know what she thought about Brash hugging the crap out of Apirana Ngata's tombstone.

Ngata died in 1950 so he's Brash's perfect Maori running mate for ACT. He can't talk back cos he is dead. He wont tell Brash he is wrong and we know Brash likes being associated with Brown people - his wife is Asian and as Winston Peters reckons Asians are just Maori who stayed north of the equator. So Brash the living cadaver - wants to resurrect the corpse of the great man and because Brash has made so many cock ups -a dead person is all he has left to offer up as a candidate.

Cactus has been prickly lately because she's having to say "no comment" to journos. When Cactus refuses to comment on issues we are pretty sure it means she is livid.

I've known Cactus long enough to be one of the few people in the world with permission to call her before 10am. So I did and told her of Brash's latest stroking of Ngata's tombstone. "Too fucking busy" was her muted answer.The ungrateful bitch hung up in my ear.

We suspect in Dorothy Parker fashion that in fact she aint busy unless you count finding nubile men to entertain her at 2am in the morning as busy.

Brash claims Ngata would be Leader of ACT if he was alive today.

Cactus I know can't comment but reckon she will be all alone in a foetal position clutching a teddy bear for comfort in response to this latest fuckwittery by Brash.

Brash is right - to a point - Ngata loathed the fact that Maori had become addicted to welfare. He did believe in self reliance but he also had some pretty lefty views as Michael Bassett points out in his review of Ranginui Walkers book on Ngata.

"At first he supported individualisation of land title till he realised that too many Maori then sold. He then promoted leasehold tenure and consolidation; but many sold their leases. As the Maori population increased, Ngata urged – then introduced in 1929 - state funding for development schemes so they could benefit from what remained. Native Minister during the depression, He Tipua (“the superhuman one”) was remarkably successful at collaring state resources for Maori projects."

Hell WTF??? Special state funding for development schemes ? That would go down a treat in the ACT manifesto.

So Brash finally thinks that he has found the perfect running mate - but it seems that he has picked the wrong dead Maori to epitomise ACT ideals of minimal state intervention.

Brash has to go. And we will be counselling Cactus against having anything to do with the the crazy batty old coot.

RESPECT IS A TWO WAY STREET

We have had a rethink on Hones affirmation speech to parliament - note to self - dont blog til have all the facts.

We only saw a snippet of the telecast of Hone's swearing in and thought that it was because he was speaking Te Reo that got Lockwood all grumpy. But it wasn't he was trying to swear allegiance to the Treaty and the dispossessed.

Anyway we watched Te Karere this morning and Scotty asked Hekia what she thought of Hone's grandstanding.

She put it simply - Marae all over the country have different protocols and its respectful to abide by them. Parliament is a big Marae. There are protocols and Hone should follow them as he would expect people to follow them on his Marae.

and Tariana said the same

However, she did not condone Mr Harawira's actions. She said she would be deeply offended if someone visited her marae and sought to impose their own tikanga [customs.]

"It was a deliberate act. I think it's called stunt politics - you do it because you know you're going to get attention from it."

So Hone expects us to be be nice in his house but is content to shit in ours.

HONE'S SHOULDERS AINT BIG ENOUGH

What a debacle - There was something oddly spooky when poor old Hone Harawiras korowai cloak fell off as he walked into parliament.

Shows his shoulders aren't big enough.

It is an emblem of status and quite frankly we reckon the Gods have spoken.

As for him saying his affirmation in Maori - who gives a shit? Maori is an official language of this country. That no lee way was given just shows how archiac the institution of parliament really is.

Hone didnt fit the Cloak and he doesn't fit in parliament.

But Parliament needs to change to be more reflective of who we are.

FUCKWITTERY REPEATED

Don Brash needs a better minder.

All we want to hear from Act is :

Lower Tax - more lower tax and even more cuts to tax.

Maybe a bit about law and order

And some more about reducing the cost of doing businesses.

But this silly shit will not get them over the 5%.

One thing they really need and fast is candidates of the calibre of Cactus Kate.

GARRETT IS A HORRIBLE BASTARD

What sort of fuckwittery is this? Garrett may have escaped being charged with perjury but he is a complete arse. If ACT wants to get respect then bringing Garrett back into the fold is not the way to do it. We expected ACT to seek out candidates who were good and true citizens. But no - they appear to want to include misogynistic arrogant no account creepy bastards like Garrett.

Brash needs to get his political radar out of his arse.

ROY WAS DUMPED

Heather Roy has gone hard out today to try and convince the country that she is quitting politics on her own terms. This is predictable behaviour from a woman who has always put herself before the party.

Thing is, Roy did not quit - that's bullshit spin- she was pushed by Brash and it wasn't a gently shoulder tap but a elegant boot up her skinny arse "push."

But Roy has sucked in the media and convinced them that she is leaving on her terms.

The most hilarious part of all this is we are pretty confident that Roy would not have considered leaving until Cactus Kate made it clear she was about to seek party nomination. We bought you that news first on Roarprawn.

That scared the crap out of Roy. Cactus is an intellectual articulate woman of the global village while Roy is a mumsy disloyal fluffy headed bint who wets her pants over soldier boys.

Having Cactus in caucus would have seen Roy reduced to a pile of menopausal detritus in double quick time.

Brash is clearly and rightly moving to strengthen the backbone of the party.

So there is no room for a spare ribs of no effect like Roy and that other seriously odd ginga Hillary Calvert. We are expecting Calvert will also announce that she would rather be back in Dunedin buying up more properties for the local sex trade soon.

Go Cactus - Your Country needs you.

KELVIN DAVIS ENDORSED BY HONE

Our Hone - not the whingy whiny Hone - Hone Key.

John Key reckons that Kelvin Davis will win Te Tai Tokerau. And he will. We have no doubt that National will have been polling the crap out of the electorate and already know what way the cards will fall.

And we think that the Maori Party deliberately put up Solomon Tipene so that the focus would be on a two horse race.
We also expect in the final few days that Solomon will concede and tell his supporters to put their votes firmly in behind Davis.

Dover Samuels also makes a good suggestion and one that has in some part been actioned - and that is that the National party Maori supporters should be asked to vote Kelvin. Keys proclaimation on the likely outcome of Te Tai Tokerau goes part way to addressing that and Dover also underestimates something else - right leaning voters are smart - they will vote strategically as a matter of course.

And why do we think that Northern voters should vote Kelvin Davis? We he is simply the most exciting Maori MP Labour has in its ranks for decades. He is Ministerial material.

New Zealand washed away the political stain that was Winston Peters at the last election - We are confident that Maori in the Far North will see that by supporting Kelvin Davis they will have a better future - With Hone all they will get is a reminder of a bitter past.

BARMY BINT NEEDS BOOT - ACT NOW.

We have been living in fear and trepidation of telling Cactus Kate about Wednesday's Backbenches show.

It was a cringefest due to the mind bogglingly odd and inappropriate Hilary Calvert. There is nothing to commend this woman - someone has bent her social acceptability radar around her red curly bangs.

We breed chooks - for eggs and to eat. But until the moment of dispatch they live in a hen Hilton and have the run of the place. We understand that there is a need for intensively produced eggs and that there are good and bad points to all egg and broiler raising operations including free range and organic. A good battery operation is not a bad in the scheme of things - a bad one is well pardon the pun - fowl. We have seen both.

Calvert was crass, arrogant and just plain scary as she went on and on about chickens and cages and killing them.

But after Backbenches last night there is only one chook who should be looked up in a cage and its Hillary Calvert - and frankly it wold be no loss if someone chopped her head off as there appears to be little in it anyway.

-Now back to Cactus - as we said we didnt know how to tell her that yet another ACT member was shaping up to be a dud.

We didnt need to worry - she watched the show online and if you think I'm disgusted - read her comments.

We dont think Hilary Calvert will make the cut on the ACT list. And we dont think that will ruffle many feathers - apart from the headless Gallus herself.

CLARE WHO THE NEW LEFTY CRUMPET IS

Yesterdays narcissistic turn by Clare "Puss in Boots" Curran to use parliament to show her displeasure at a commercial decision by a sporting franchise was odd.

What was odder was when Curran, dressed in over the knee muskateer boots, black trousers and the offending rugby top was backed up in her stand by one lone member of the Labour caucus. Trevor Mallard.

Or maybe it wasnt so surprising when a few blokes on twitter expressed delight and indeed lusty thoughts for Ms Curran and those boots. A few wished they could see Ms Curran sans shirt and only in "those" boots.

But it is surprising that she was not backed up by any other labour sheilas or indeed any other blokes. After all we thought the Labour movement was all about solidarity.

So we reckon what it shows is that Mallard gallantry means he obviously really, really, really likes Clare and probably loves her in those f**k me boots.

CLARE NO TASTE OR MATES?

Clare Curran seems to be as passionate about Otago as we are about Southland. I'm a sixth generation Southlander on one branch of the family tree and 5 generations on the other.

The maroon and blue of the jersey of the amalgamated Otago Southland team was fine by us but the kermit green of the new jumper is sick making and the players are hard to see on the telly.

So we get why Curran wanted to let her feelings be known about the crass verdant hue of the new southern shirt - but why in Parliament? Its not a political issue. Its a rugby franchise issue.

She is an attention seeker at the best of times but Currans latest effort was seriously off the mark.

Suddenly, she turned an inappropriate show of patriotism to a rugby franchise in parliament into a feminist issue over parliamentary dress standards.

Now we think the dress standards in parliament are crap. Its time to move away from the class chokers for men and "business attire" bullshit for women.

But Currans posturing was all about her - not about the team or indeed dress standards.

It was all so bloody stupid and facile. And that fact was recognised by her Labour Party colleagues - not one of them walked the plank with her as she left the chamber.

Which is outstanding really - it means one of three possibilities - the old feminist cabal of Labour has finally lost the battle within the party - or maybe - Clare is simply the most unpopular person in the party or the Labour boys were waiting for her to get her kit off.

STATE TV THE NEW HONE CUDDLERS?

Its starting to look like TVNZ, - in particular Te Karere, are helping Hone Harawira run his election campaign for Te Tai Tokerau.

We get up pretty early, like most country folks - so we get to see the repeat of the night before Te Karere programme with the added bonus of sub titles- which is pretty useful for us southern white chocolate half caste muttonbirders who aren't much chop at te reo.

And lo and behold - who's up first but Hone - waxing lyrical about all sorts of stuff. Its not the first time and as we watch Te Karere nearly every morning we have come to form the opinion that the state funded Maori news programme are Hone cuddlers and are anti the Maori party.

Someone needs to tell those who have editorial control of this programme to pull their heads in and show some balance.

We want to see more probing interviewing - rather than allowing Hone to slag off everyone else.

A wise kaumatua said to us the other day that Hone was good at promotion - of himself. He is and we think he is being ably supported in his cause by some sychophants on the Te Karere team.

The people of Northland deserve better - and they need to vote strategically for Kelvin Davis - a man with real Mana.

WHAT WE WANT IN THE BUDGET

1. A clearly articulated economic vision for the future
2. Clear rationale for public service cuts and reorganisation
3. Some economic goals we can all understand and relate to.
4. Some bold and innovative thinking re R and D.
5. An initiative that fosters productivity
6. A clearing of the decks of all " nice to haves" so we can concentrate on the "must haves"
7. Some initiatives that show this government has steel balls.

DOWN ON MAUI STREET

There is a new blog worthy of a read leading up to the election. Its Maui Street. We have been watching it for a while to see if the writer Morgan Godfrey was going to stick with it. He is an open supporter of Harawira and the Mana party.

There isnt much he writes that we agree with but he articulates his position well. Most New Zealanders are open to hearing dissenting views. The more we talk and listen, the more we learn and understand. So we think that Maui Street is a welcome addition to the colourful rainbow that is the NZ political blogosphere.

WHO LET THE DOG OUT?

Mallard show stopping mongrel dog impressions are funny. They are so off key, ( pardon the pun) wide of the mark and puerile that they are just plain loony tunes..

If thats the biggest set of nashers Labour's got then they need help. Key must feel he is being gummed by a 60 yr old dirty girl.

AMBASSADOR TE HEUHEU?

We are quietly confident that the Hon Georgina te Heuheu will be representing Aotearoa in some far away outpost following the next election.

Georgina has all the attributes to make a great diplomat. We know how hard it has been for her as a Maori woman among the silver foxes of the National Party. She has often been stretched between two different worlds.

Georgie was also pretty good at cross party Maori relations. Which in these times of MMP is a fairly vital role.

While many New Zealanders think that the Maori powerbase rests with Tainui and Ngai Tahu, it is the wise council of the Tuwharetoa te Heuheus that both have sought on many occasion.

So they will miss her voice in parliament.

We hope that the government treats Georgina well so that she can continue to serve her country and harness her well known skills for diplomacy and clear thinking.

CLUSTERF**CKAROONIES

Crikey - Bustedblonde and the Brunette bugger off to the traditional killing fields and Lambcut finds her inner arab, Don Brash gets a hard on , Trevor Mallard launches a smear campaign of stellar proportions which could indicate he will announce his retirement soon and Hone Harawira cuddles up to terrorists.

And somewhere deep in the heart of Pakistani suburbia America finds Osama Bin Laden in the first place they should have looked - his house.

While sitting on an island far far away BB and the Brunette had to listen to RNZ as it was the only station that had reception so far south.

So 0ur predictions?

If Brash doesn't shut the fuck up and stop burbling on to journalists and have a bit of a think before he whistles wank words through his rabbitty molars - ACT will be history.

Getting a hard on as the new leader of ACT is understandable but poor old Bustedblonde and Brunette struggled to listen to RNZ as Don droned on for no good reason.

Message to Don - less is more. Economy of thought and in speech old bean.

And Rodney Hide showed great dignity in defeat. We hear he wants a new life with a new bubs and missus. We wish him well.

We were also ever so pleased that Dr Brash gave Heather Roy nothing. Its what she deserves.

As to Hone? Ya toast mate - sorry but the only bastards who vote for you are the pricks who seldom piss before lunch so there is no way they are going to get out of their own way to saunter along to the polling booth.

And to America? Can we have the facts about Obama please? And we will need to batten down the hatches- there a long war on the horizon and it will not benefit NZ.

And finally to Trevor Mallard - you sad sorry idiot. We still cant stop laughing over the "twenty questions" blog stream - the origins of these rumours, is a couple of deep throats, in more ways than one, who have a voracious sexual appetites that required political variety.

We bet that there is a wet willy somewhere in Labours ranks.

And to the authors of the 5 texts who wondered if we were in anyway involved in the Brash Coup- We don't do bloodless coups- too boring. And besides the Brash coup was really an elegant updated version of a successful strategy- that level of sophistication is way beyond the capabilities of our simple dimple brain.

UNSTOPPABLE CLUSTER F**K

We have had one eye on Labour rather juvenille Stop the Asset Sales campaign using a replica of the Stop sign used throughout the country.

However the whole campaign has been highjacked and is now a farce.

First the website could be easily manipulated and replica stop signs with anti labour messages were spawned on the site. They went viral in social media sites everywhere and the original Stop the Assets Sales site became a farce.

Next the campaign ran for a a couple of weeks with committed Labour Party types taking to the streets with there signs to promote their cause.

Sadly their actions are illegal. The signs are not permitted to be bastardised in anyway for very good reasons.

Labour has goofed in the worst way. They have lost control of the campaign and they broke the law.

A huge pinko failure of EPIC proportions. Well done Whaleoil, Kiwiblog and Keeping Stock. The VRWC lives on.

GOOD BUSINESS, AND HUMANE

Peter Dunne is in the thrall of ground hunters. He is spitting vitriol over helicopter hunting of deer, chamois and tahr from Helicopters. He calls it barbaric and inhumane.

“For years helicopter operators have got away with this inhumane, barbaric practice and now DoC have not only legitimised it, but they have given it priority over other forms of recreation.”

“The real hypocrisy is that for wilderness areas such as the Adams, Hooker Landsborough and Olivines where other people are not even allowed fly-in access DoC has allowed heli-hunters an unprecedented right to use helicopters.”

His argument around helicopter access for all in remote areas is very valid but his claims that helicopter shooting is inhumane and barbaric are just fatuous and silly.

A helicopter doesnt kill the animals - a bullet does. Just as a bullet kills from a gun from a ground shooter.

Bullet enters animal - animal dies - not matter where it comes from.

The ground hunting industry is being very precious. Many large estate owners sell hunting rights to smaller blocks - in what is known in the trade as " paddock assassinations."

So it doesn't matter if you take a cut lunch and a compass or a cut lunch compass and a chopper - the result is the same - dead animals - in fact Helicopter hunting is far more efficient. Much of the territory that both the chamois and tahr occupy is hell in the hills. Even a skills tramper is going to have trouble accessing it.

What Mr Dunne is overlooking is that helicopter hunting brings in some serious dollars for New Zealand. People pay big money for the chance to ping off a big game beast from an aerial armchair.

And shooting from a chopper isn't easy. In fact it can be quite difficult - it requires a degree of skill and nerve by the pilot and shooter.

These animals are recognised as a resource now but the fact remains, their numbers need to be kept under control so more hunting is good. And helicopters have a serious part to play in keeping numbers down to a manageable level.

Shooters from choppers can also target the best trophies as well - and we wonder if its not a little jealousy on the part of the ground hunting lobby that is coming into play here.

There is no " ripoff" as everyone is paying their dues and there is a win - win in terms of animal management.

So Mr Dunne - we want to know - is you puffy posturing on this related in any way to donations you are getting from a small segment of the hunting community?

GOFF AND GILLARD BOTH TAKE A POUNDING

New Zealands Labour Party, facing the worst poll results in since 1996 will find no comfort in the latest polls from Australia. Gillard has led her party to its worst poll showing in 16 years.

Sucks to be a pinko.

PUSSY WHIPPED

So the West Coast hard boy Damien O'Connor is a limpy.

He apologised. Okay it was a half hearted apology but it was still an apology.

So he is a loser. Not staunch, not principled, just pussy whipped by the gaggling gays who are probably just jealous of all the good looking frilly knickered bintys he scores.

Sad bastard. Hope he gets kicked out of the Good Bastard club