THE REALITY IS

Woo. Gillard is an odd fish... so like Clark

JULIA GILLARD INTERVIEW ................

TV: “Before we start, as we stand here on Thursday afternoon, do you accept that tomorrow will be Friday?”


PM: “We have always supported the standard structure of the calendar and acknowledge that the public expect a regular system that provides the rhythm necessary for everyday planning and life structures. We feel very strongly about this.”

TV: “So you do agree that tomorrow is Friday?”


PM: “It isn’t important whether it is Friday or Monday. What is important is that unexpected changes don’t interfere with the normal expectations of the public - and this government has a solid record in supporting those expectations.”


TV: “But as today is Thursday, surely you can confirm that tomorrow is Friday?”


PM: “Everything is relative and whether the next day is Wednesday or Sunday is dependent on where you stand at the time. We have never challenged the current system and have the full support of the unions on this. Most intelligent people agree that changes are not required.”


TV: “Well then, what day is tomorrow?”


PM: “Tomorrow is the next day in our plan to further develop our marvelous country in many areas. We plan to continue providing better health care, reduced debt, reduced unemployment, controlled immigration and to be a world leader in controlling global warming.”


TV: “Returning to the question, can you not confirm that Friday is tomorrow?”

PM: “Friday is always around. It has been around many times before and will be around again many more times. Which is why we need - as a responsible government - to plan and organise for the future. Not just for tomorrow, but for our children and their children.

TV: “Prime Minister, the viewers are waiting for your answer on what day you think tomorrow is?”

PM: “We are dealing with bigger issues here. The Friday, Saturday, Sunday thing is not important or relevant to the scheme of things. They need to understand the critical issues and focus on the matters of concern, such as the condition of our nation and how we can continue to develop it so that all may reap the benefit.”

TV: “I’m sorry, we seem to have lost the point here again. Are you saying that it isn’t Friday tomorrow?”

PM: “The reality is that it is not important what day it is. What is important is how we handle the situation - and my government is handling it with solid policies evolved from the mandate the people gave us.”

TV: “But we just want to know if you agree that it will be Friday tomorrow?”

PM: “Let’s remain focused here. It is the nation that is important and we stand fast and rock steady in our dedication to the job in hand In closing, let me say this one more time – we are fully committed to the task and have commissioned a report that will enable us to develop the plans for the future. Thank you.”

TV: “Prime Minister .......??”

SHUDDER THE THOUGHT

We have been enjoying getting back in the saddle after an hiatus of about a decade.

Our new horse Floyd is very entertaining - Some horses lack for personality - not Floyd.

We have gone for some nice rides and Floyd takes a great interest in his surroundings.

We have been for a couple of gallops along the road as well.

It seems we are not the only big chick who rides a horse - Here is a blog devoted to fat chicks who ride horses!

Anyway we have been giggling all afteroon. Our mate the Irish Lass enquired politely how our body bits were coping with riding.

We explained that despite the ample padding on our derriere, that our arse bones were frikking sore and that was a source of great mystery to us.

She explained that, in her opinion, my arse was acting the same way buildings did in the Christchurch earthquake.

That the up and down movements caused a ripple effect of ginormous energy sideways and that meant that the fat was shuddering over my bones...

Yup - my pelvis is the epicentre of all that quaking cellulite I'm sure.

The other odd fascination I have is how we sit on our frilly bits yet after a ride they are still frilly despite the pounding they get after a sitting trot!

We got a mirror out just to check ( in the interests of medical research) and did a before and after and lo and behold apart from a slight plumping all is normal even after an hour in the saddle.

Who needs labiaplasty?

All those worried about how their frilly bits look need to do is head along to the nearest riding school for a half hour sitting trot.

Ah the wonders of the human body.

BEST BLONDE JOKE OF 2010 - FOR BUSTEDBLONDE

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,

'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair,Given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, "

'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.

SMOKE ON THE WATER

CAT astrophe

TICKLE YOUR FANCY - A WABBIT WANKER?

While we know we have had a strange effect on some men  - we have never had an effect on them like this. 

We think he has to  play tinky wink with the rabbits gonads or girly bits  to get them to do this.. How do we know that?  


Well.........


And just when you think it couldn't get any stranger - a couple of crims avoided capture by dressing up as sheep... 
true ....   baaad behaviour... 

BLOG BITS

This will make us think twice about buying " Fair Trade coffee" again - seems its designed to keep poor people poor. Eye2theLongrun often has some interesting blogs on economics..

Inquiring Mind who does some great fisks - fisks Fran O'Sullivan.. excellent it is.

Alf Grumble does a great piss take of Winnie the Poo.

And Gonzo has a funny cartoon about House Tv series..

and we only have 5 days of work left before we are on Holiday! And only 3 days before the olds cross the ditch in Bugsy's Burrow

WELL IF YOU NEVER GONNA BE SANTA.....

You can be an elf.. Big News got this pic at the local fair...

Its just plain wrong...

FRIDAY ROUNDUP

Should non commerical lawyers do commercial deals?

Did RIM design trackballs on blackberries to help blokes finesse clitical aspects of the oral art of love?

Did you get an invite to the National Party Caucus Xmas do at the big whare on Tinakori road ?

Why is Sean Plunket smiling these days?

PAINTING OVER THE CRACKS.

A few weeks ago, on one of the few warm days we have had in Wellington, we were walking down the lane beside Mermaids on Courtenay Place and noticed a bevy of strapping men with their overalls fashionably tied at the waist. This exposed their bristling muscles and made us go all a quiver. Anyhoo,it was obvious that Mermaids, Wellingtons best known strip bar was getting a major facelift.

So fast forward to this morning and one of the young turks on his way to the big round house notes that the painters are still hard at work... Seems a long time to us - or are they just taking things slow so they can admire the unique view...

THE CHURCH OF JONES

It has been bought to out attention that there is a new cult emerging to rival that of Destiny Church's Brian Tamaki.

It is the Church of Jones- and the Bishop is Bob.

If your name is Deborah and you write columns for a living then its a fact that you will become his lay preacheresses - sent out to spread the gospel of Bob.

Deborah Hill Cone has shown the strength of her faith here and here as well

Deborah Coddington devotes an entire " feature" on the Church of Jones here
in what must be the ultimate show of her faith to the Church of Jones.


To them the word is Bob, Bob is Good, Bob is Great, - Glory be to the Bob.

SOME QUESTIONS TO PONDER

If Nikki Kaye has broken her ankle how will Ranfurly cope?

Which well known mover and shaker is a Nigel No Mates on one board because his fellow directors are having trouble trusting him?

Is it okay to fart in cattle class on a plane? And do planes make you fart anyhow?

And does the fact that 32 light bulbs at Dockside need replacing mean that its not being managed like it used to be?

How much money is going to leave the country next week ?

Isn't Lisa Lewis the best marketer we have seen in a while?

LETS TALK ABOUT SEX

We were very amused to see David Farrars tittering over someone fessing they had sex in the toilet at the Green Parrot many years ago...


Torys are very, turn off the lights slip your bra and undies off under the blankies buggers.. So we get why someone like Farrar would think that sex in a restaurant loo was pretty funny..

As a mildly amusing story it got us thinking about all the weird places Busted Blonde has got down and dirty. As 50 has its steely eye upon us, there are more than a few memories.


Best place for your complexion sex - A wool press. Lanolin was fantastic on the skin but we smelt like a mutton chop for the day.

Worst itchy arse sex.. the beach.. sounds good - looks good on the movies but sand in your crack is - well a pain.

Hot shag frozen nipples sex Top of Bluff Hill on the lookout with a 40knot gale blown in your face...

Take the skin off your arse sex - Nylon carpet... Always shag on the wool shagpile.

Call of Nature sex... one of our favourites - deep in the podocarp forest with a bed of beech leaves... But watch the wandering centipedes ( see itchy arse sex)

Watching the whales sex - spa pool top of a penthouse apartment overlooking Mooloolaba harbour. Oddly inspiring...

Keep you feet warm sex - Falcon GTS with sheepskin on the roof.... We were young and hey he said he put the sheepskin there because he cared....

Hotel Balcony overlooking the Avon in Christchurch - no idea why but it was good ...

Playing hand jive under the blanket on a plane on a long haul sort of sex.

On the freezer hatch sex... Just make sure there aren't any fish scales ( see itchy arse sex)

In a Morris Minor sex - just to see if you really can - and you can. Now we wouldn't cos we couldn't.

In a 6 foot dinghy sex - lots of waves.

In the sea sex ( make sure there aren't any sea lice ) Again see itchy arse sex.

On a horse sex - you work it out...

Tied to the mast sex ooohh arrgh and blow the man down .

At your parents house with them in the next bedroom - cos it feels really really naughty...

At parliament sex - Just cos you have to but watch the buttons in the news studio..

200 foot high club sex - Because we love helicopters...

So whoever the drippy wench was that Farrar was going on about - she obviously lacks imagination....

CARMEN IN WELLINGTON

The baby scribes over at NewsWire have a heads up yarn on the infamous Carmen being in town.

When we were a baby scribe, in fact when we were a wannabe scribe, in the summer of '79, one of the first stories we ever wrote for the Mount Cook Messenger was about Carmen and her coffee shop and the characters who gathered at the very late night haunt.

We got on famously.

A few weeks later, the father of BB and some other fisheries big wigs were in town for a Royal Commission on the importation of Man Ho rope for fishing. Donaghys had an importation monopoly and the rope they sold was crap and expensive. Dad and the fisheries big wigs won anyway. Dad paid me to be secretary and take notes for the day.
So there was an imperative to celebrate. Lots.

So off we went - Me, aged 18 and five old blokes. We had dinner at Des Brittens and then the boys who were getting a bit tanked decided that they needed to see more of the big smoke. So it was off down Vivian Street.

Anyway we are about 15 yards from Carmen's who is standing at the door enticing people to enjoy her unique hospitality.

She spies BB and her eyes light up in instant recognition.

"Tina, how are you she purred. Ohh look you have brought some loverly boys for me to play with" Come in , boys , come in...."

And to this day I am sworn to secrecy about the rest of the events of that evening.....

BLOUPIES OR GROGS.

The glamourous god botherers over at M and M have coined a new name for those who read and follow blogs - Bloupies.. We prefer Grogs.

We have a wee few Grogs, We love and nurture our Grogs.

So M and M can have Bloupies - over here at Roarprawn we will have Grogs.
Great Glorious and Good Grogs.
Glory be to the Grogs.
Amen.

ANIMAL LOVER SHOT DOWN ON LAMBTON QUAY

Picture BB striding purposefully down Lambton Quay on the way home dressed in red coat and cat fur scarf thinking about cooking a pork chop for dinner.
Her reverie was ripped to pieces when some simpering little pig loving nazi from SAFE thrusts a piece of paper under her snozzer and barks loud enough for everyone within a 2m radius to hear -

"DO YOU LOVE ANIMALS. "

BB stops, grins and says loudly.

- "YES," on a plate with apple sauce and we love a bit of puss round our neck to keep warm,"
( we wear fur scarves every day and yip today's one is puss. Very nice soft, black and white puss.)

Blissful Silence filled the footpath in her wake.

Sucky up pig and puss lovers shot down at close range- no bystanders injured.

OF GRANDMOTHERS AND FARTS

BB and Lambcuts nana was one of the sweetest women you could every wish to meet. She came from a dour Scottish family, never drank or smoked and she was very devout and a regular attendant at the Baptist church but boy did she love a a giggle. The one thing that sent her into paroxysms of laughter was farting. So this is in memory of our wonderful nana, I can hear her tinkling laugh now.

This is courtesy of Barnsley Bill

But we reckon that silly old Prince Phillip has let go a bloody ripper...

A DISCERNING FLEA

We have been bitten, by what we think is a flea. Now considering that we have been rolling around picking grapes, patting strange dogs and have had a mouse problem in the Wairarapa, it is not surprising we have a flea.

However it is the flea's target that has us bemused. Not the butt or the bits in between. No. this is a very discerning flea. Last night he gorged himself on our juicy bits. Now we of stout frame provide excellent pickings for a rampant flea but he homed in on our breasts and judging by the tracks on our tits this morning, he had a fine old feast.

Sadly we have yet to find him. And unwilling to risk being sucked dry tonight we will be washing sheets and dousing ourselves in toxins so that his blood lust does not reduce our ample melons to the size of shrivelled passionfuit.

RUDD FINANCIAL TICKLER

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BEER WITH ME

We like this idea -According to Stuff some boys are marketing a beer with a label that has the bikini top on the label disappearing as you drink it.
It's based on some soft porn pens you used to get years ago that had the bikinis being rendered invisible when you touched them. Now all this is based around silly school boy titillation. Harmless we reckon but old trouts like us need the trunks off boys like Daniel - that would definitely make us drink their beer.....