WE WUDDA LET WILLS BORROW OUR ISLAND

So the Whales- Middletons are shacked up on some small atoll in the Seychelles after the big nuptials

We are miffed. While they are there they will have to stroll around on shitty sharp shelly beaches and get hot. Which cant be that conducive to a bit of royal slap and tickle of Mrs Wales underdone scrawny arse.

The hideaway also comes with its own chef and butler.

Why would newly weds want that? For starters we think that Katie would want to undress and dress Wills rather than leave that to some toffy poofy butler.

And how is she gonna cook him scones and eggs bennie for brekkie we wonder?

We would have been happy to offer up our muttonbird island. Its got a great beach, the bush is lovely and the ground is all spongy so if you dont mind they odd bite from a peat flea, its a good place for a bit of afternoon outdoorsy shagging.

However we would have to warn Wills that if he missed his flip mid shag his royal pecker might end up in a muttonbird burrow.

And there is a big ol coal range you have to keep stoked that cooks the best roasties and scones so Kate can show Wills her culinary talents. Lets face it - Wills old man got turned on by old mumsy house frau Camilla so its a safe bet Wills has the mumsy fetish as well.

And as its a bit nippy down south of Stewart Island, you have the inclination to spend quite a bit of time in the sack to keep warm.

It also blows a bit so you can stand on the westerly cliffs and lean over and the wind will keep you from falling over .. which is pretty cool - in fact its bloody cool.

And the beach is fantastic and secluded. The sealions regularly indulge in what is a rather lovely display of mega fauna f**cking that is inspirational to say the least.

Anyway if the Wales- Middletons want a second honeymooon we are happy to fix our place up real nice. We would even replace the apple box that doubles as a bed leg with a new one and fix the headboard to the bed so it doesnt bang when you bang.

We are convinced a bit of real living would bring the pair much closer together and then Kate would be able to relax, lie back and think of England.

FIXATION ON WEE WILLY AND HIS ROYAL WILLLY

We thought we had heard it all  - but n there was a story on Radio Live this morning  about the fact that Prince Willyum  is to have his own bog when he visits Christchurch. Yip there is a shortage of them in Christchurch but Willy is getting his own royal bog. An articulated truck of bogs just for him..
We despise royalty - they are little more than rich celebrities these days.
But William is a soldier as well as a prince. And he is down to earth so why the hell are the authorities going overboard with the Royal Flush. ?

KAPAI KAI FIT FOR A KING

It seems the mother country is all a lather over poor wee pwince william having to endure a traditional Maori feast on his visit to NZ.

The 27-year-old will dine at a traditional Maori barbie or "hangi", where the food is cooked in a hole in the ground, and is expected to swallow every single mouthful or else risk offending his hosts, reports the Daily Star.

William is expected to be nibble on the Titi bird, the fatty chicks of the storm-petrel, raw seaweed, kina sea eggs and fiery pepper leaves.

He could also be asked to try chopped eels and the giant-sized hu-hu grub, served lightly grilled and said to taste of strong, chewy chicken.

A source close to the prince said: "During his military training, William had to try all sorts of food during his survival tests, so not much fazes him.

Well the Titi is not a storm petrel - its a shearwater and if the prince eats sushi he will know all about raw seaweed and horopito is now recognised as a pretty impressive condiment.

As for the huhu grubs, well they aren't bad either.

Over the years we have had many many british born lovers of muttonbirds as regular customers. They buy the birds because they remind them of kippers.

So we reckon that William will be just fine. However we expect the Hangi is more likely to include some fish - maybe eels, pork and chicken and some stuffing and there will be a bloody big steam pud as well!