WE WUDDA LET WILLS BORROW OUR ISLAND

So the Whales- Middletons are shacked up on some small atoll in the Seychelles after the big nuptials

We are miffed. While they are there they will have to stroll around on shitty sharp shelly beaches and get hot. Which cant be that conducive to a bit of royal slap and tickle of Mrs Wales underdone scrawny arse.

The hideaway also comes with its own chef and butler.

Why would newly weds want that? For starters we think that Katie would want to undress and dress Wills rather than leave that to some toffy poofy butler.

And how is she gonna cook him scones and eggs bennie for brekkie we wonder?

We would have been happy to offer up our muttonbird island. Its got a great beach, the bush is lovely and the ground is all spongy so if you dont mind they odd bite from a peat flea, its a good place for a bit of afternoon outdoorsy shagging.

However we would have to warn Wills that if he missed his flip mid shag his royal pecker might end up in a muttonbird burrow.

And there is a big ol coal range you have to keep stoked that cooks the best roasties and scones so Kate can show Wills her culinary talents. Lets face it - Wills old man got turned on by old mumsy house frau Camilla so its a safe bet Wills has the mumsy fetish as well.

And as its a bit nippy down south of Stewart Island, you have the inclination to spend quite a bit of time in the sack to keep warm.

It also blows a bit so you can stand on the westerly cliffs and lean over and the wind will keep you from falling over .. which is pretty cool - in fact its bloody cool.

And the beach is fantastic and secluded. The sealions regularly indulge in what is a rather lovely display of mega fauna f**cking that is inspirational to say the least.

Anyway if the Wales- Middletons want a second honeymooon we are happy to fix our place up real nice. We would even replace the apple box that doubles as a bed leg with a new one and fix the headboard to the bed so it doesnt bang when you bang.

We are convinced a bit of real living would bring the pair much closer together and then Kate would be able to relax, lie back and think of England.