Friday, 5 December 2008



Rules for visiting the South Island are as follows:

1. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.

2. Turn your cap right, your head ain't crooked.

3. Let's get this straight: it's called a 'gravel road.' I drive a Ute

because I want to. No matter how slow you drive, you're gonna get dust

on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.

4. They are cattle. That's why they smell like cattle. They smell like

money to us. Get over it. Don't like it ? SH1 goes north, find it and

F%&$# off

5. So you have a $60,000 car. We're impressed. We have $250,000

Harvesters that are driven only 3 weeks a year.

6. Every person in the South waves. It's called being friendly. Try to

understand the concept.

7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of geese/pheasants/ducks/quail

are comin' in during the season, we WILL shoot it outta your hand. You

better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.

8. Yeah. We eat trout, salmon, deer and duck. You really want sushi and

caviar? It's available at the corner bait shop.

9. The 'Opener' refers to the first day of duck season. It's a religious

holiday , we will observe it !.

10. We open doors for women. That's applied to all women, regardless of age.

11. No, there's no 'vegetarian special' on the menu. Order steak, or you

can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham and turkey.

12. When we set a table, there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables

and breads. We use three spices: salt, pepper, and Watties Tomato sauce!

Oh, yeah We don't care what you folks in Ponsonby call that stuff you eat
... .


13. You bring 'Coke' into my house, it better be brown, wet and served

over ice. You bring 'Mary Jane' into my house, she better be cute, know

how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair.

14. College and High School Rugby is as important here as the All

Blacks, the Highlanders and the Crusaders and a heap more fun to watch.

15. Yeah, we have golf courses. But don't hit the water hazards - it

spooks the fish.

16. Turn down that blasted car stereo! That thumpity-thump cr @ p ain't

music, anyway. We don't want to hear it anymore than we want to see your

boxers! Refer back to #1!


wino said...

Yeah - don't tell husband he already knows he's displaced in the North Island. We have the same rules up here in rural Bay of Plenty too though - up here of course they think 20km from town is so far it's the back of nowhere. (and that suits us fine)

homepaddock said...

Oh dear, some us us are a little more civil and civilised down here :)

Madeleine said...

Oh how I miss the South Island.

I lived there for 5 years and despite that I was always treated like the Aucklander who had just arrived which was kind of good as the hospitality for visitors was great!

I must nitpick a little though, even in Dunedin there were at least 3 places within 5 minutes of each other in the city that you could get Sushi.

Though Homepaddock you have to admit Eftpos is not that widely available in some parts and that does make it feel a tad uncivilised - I mean, who uses cash?

Anonymous said...

This is a very funny post, BB. I laughed out loud; an excellent way to start my day

Perhaps it's the slower, more casual pace of life that allows South Islanders time to think about things -- similar, perhaps, to their rural cousins in the North

Of course, all this thinking might become dangerous, maybe even somewhat subversive . . .


Anonymous said...

BB - you realise that some of 'us' older types in the North Is might just be tempted to come and join you.

Anonymous said...

I like it BB.

Except as a North Islander who grew up and learned to drive on gravel (we called them metal) roads I think your heading should be modified to read:


You know the ones - when they wear shorts they have their socks pulled up to their knees.

Anonymous said...

17. It is not compulsory to marry your sister in the South Island but it is expected.